This was originally published on Divorce And Your Money here.

When it comes to filing your paperwork at the end of your divorce, it is incredibly important to understand each individual document. Official documents pertaining to your divorce should be easily understood, recognized, and identified, in case you need to access them in the future. In particular, a divorce decree (which marks the official end of the marriage) is one of the most significant documents that you will obtain. All parties should understand what it does, what items it includes, and even how it can be modified.

If you have a few lingering questions regarding what a divorce decree actually is, you are definitely not alone. These frequently asked questions should help clarify your thoughts:

What is a Divorce Decree?

A divorce decree is an official court document containing the final settlement and agreement for your divorce. In order to officially end the marriage, this paper must be signed by a judge, then filed with the court clerk. Your divorce decree cannot be enforced or finalized until this paper is filed with the courts.

The decree by itself typically includes all of the necessary areas of your marital life, which now need to be separated. It is the official answer to questions that pertain to your finances, benefits, property, and childcare or custody arrangements.

What is Included in the Divorce Decree?

If a divorce decree marks the official end of your marriage and establishes your newly single life, what can you expect to find covered in it? Most couples will include everything that they need to jointly address and separate into an equitable settlement. However, first and foremost, it should be noted that the issuance of a divorce decree also typically marks the end of employer benefits from a spouse, including health insurance and other types of coverage.

Most married couples are anxious to receive a divorce decree, which settles the financial aspect of their split. This decree untangles debts and marks the specific obligations of each spouse toward a shared or accumulated debt. According to the judge’s decision, it also divides your property, real estate, and assets (including retirement accounts, savings accounts, and other finances) between the two of you. It is responsible for establishing all of the financial implications of your divorce.

The decree is designed to give clear expectations about the rights and responsibilities for both spouses. Beyond the financial responsibilities already covered, it also includes details for child support and alimony, if applicable. Custody arrangements for any children involved are also typically included in the divorce decree.

Can You Change a Divorce Decree?

A divorce decree can potentially be modified in the future through an appeals process, but only under very specific circumstances. For example, this decree may be changed by a judge if it is found to contain errors in the law. It cannot be altered to revise facts contained within the document that pertain to errors in hearsay. However, if something was divided between the two spouses that was not in accordance with state laws, the divorce decree could potentially be modified.

It may also be altered to reflect changes in income or other financial situations that could affect the payment of child support or alimony. A spouse who is responsible for making monthly child-support payments and takes a lower-paying job may be able to appeal the decision about the specific monthly obligation that is owed. Likewise, a higher-paying job may indicate that a greater percentage of the pay should be allocated toward child support or alimony.

Custody arrangements may also be changed based on the evolving needs of the children. Older children may have a preference about which parent has full custody of them, so a divorce decree could also be modified to reflect:

• Changes in parenting or life status
• Any potential moves that either spouse makes
• Other situations that pertain to the wellbeing of the children, which may call into question previous custody agreements

Covering the Basics

Understanding just what to expect from your official divorce decree is an important aspect of taking charge of your newly single life. You should know exactly what implications the document has, in terms of your financial arrangements and relational arrangements (if children are involved). The divorce decree officially marks the end of your marriage, but it also places you on the path to independence.

Shawn Leamon, MBA, CDFA is the host of the “Divorce and Your Money Show” and Managing Partner of LaGrande Global, with offices in Dallas, New York and Hanover, New Hampshire.

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Before a married couple starts browsing the internet for an attorney, many couples will make an attempt at marital counseling. This last-ditch effort to determine whether or not the marriage is salvageable is common, though it frequently seems as though one spouse enters into the therapist’s office with more enthusiasm than the other.

Many couples may now benefit from a relatively new approach to counseling, which is typically popular among couples who have already made the decision to pursue a divorce. This type of therapy, known as divorce counseling, can help you make significant improvements in your relationship as you move toward finalizing a divorce.

Is divorce therapy right for you? What exactly is divorce counseling? Find some answers to this new approach in the sections below.

What Is Divorce Counseling?

Traditional therapy typically aims to understand and cope with the underlying emotions or tensions that are present within the relationship. Divorce counseling is slightly different, in that many licensed practitioners do not focus on this aspect of the split at all. Instead, the primary objective of divorce counseling is to establish a few healthy ground rules for communication moving forward, even as your relationship status changes. A divorce therapist can help form a new relationship between spouses that can remain amicable, even during a divorce.

When should you consider enlisting the help of a divorce therapist? Many couples will turn to this practice when the relationship is heading toward divorce, and communication has become overly hostile, angry, bitter, or resentful. In situations when there are children involved, it can be especially helpful to relieve some of the tension in the home environment. Then you can help them model positive, healthy communication skills.

Ultimately, it is most useful for couples who need some extra assistance in developing a set of rules for topics that can and cannot be discussed, as well as how those topics should be addressed.

Can You Do It Alone?

While some types of divorce counseling are designed to be completed with your spouse to help set up healthy guidelines for a future relationship or friendship with one another, you can work through divorce counseling on you won. Many individuals find that dealing with the emotional repercussions of divorce to be overwhelming, so divorce therapy can give you a safe space to process your feelings, thoughts, and fears about the future in your newly single life.

Having space to deal with your emotions can help you begin the process of emotional healing. With some of the stress relieved by having a constructive outlet for your emotions, you can focus on the more important things at hand with a greater degree of clarity. Divorce is bound to be a stressful process, but it will feel less burdensome if you have the ability to appropriately process your feelings.

You may even want to consider investigating divorce counseling as an option for children who are be affected by the circumstances.

What Should You Look for in a Divorce Therapist?

Not everyone can or should advertise themselves as a qualified divorce therapist. Before you enlist their help, you should consider whether they are going to be the right fit for you, your marriage, or your children. Consider things such as their personality, their friendliness, and their overall level of professionalism first. However, beyond that, you will want to make sure that they are well-qualified to be in their position.

A divorce therapist should have at least a bachelor’s degree in psychology, sociology, or a related field. The better, more qualified divorce therapists will frequently pursue higher degrees and additional certifications, classes, and continuing education to learn as much as they can about their respective field of expertise.

Consider finding a divorce therapist who is accredited through the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. This organization offers stricter guidelines on the qualifications necessary to be labelled as a divorce therapist. They also require that all applicants pass a state or national licensing exam to ensure they understand best practices in their field.

Potential clients should also ask about a divorce therapist’s clinical experience. You want to ensure that they have plenty of practice within their field with divorce, marital, or some type of family counseling. The more experience and familiarity they have with the type of therapy that suits them best, the better equipped they will be to help you manage the situation at hand.

Deciding on Divorce Counseling

Once you and your spouse have come to the conclusion that the marriage is over and divorce is imminent, counseling may be a great first step. It can help you establish ground rules for ongoing communication with one another, or give you space to process through your emotions solo.

The important thing about pursuing this type of counseling is to ensure that you are hiring the right divorce therapist. Without someone who has experience and training, you may not see the full benefits of this type of program. Make sure to take your time selecting the right approach and therapist for your unique situation, in order to make the most of your healing time and move forward.

Shawn Leamon, MBA, CDFA is the host of the “Divorce and Your Money Show” and Managing Partner of LaGrande Global, with offices in Dallas, New York and Hanover, New Hampshire.

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This was published on Divorce and Your Money here. 

Divorce is never easy. It is particularly painful when one half of the couple is completely against the divorce and thinks the marriage can be saved. That feeling of rejection is like a sucker punch, and it can be difficult to overcome. You will feel out of control. The world you have invested so much of yourself into has just been destroyed. Where do you go from here? How do you overcome something you are so adamantly against? There is hope.

It will not be easy at first, but there are ways to get through it. You can even thrive after a divorce you did not want.

Let Yourself Grieve and Find Acceptance

Any ending requires a period of grieving. Sharing your life and love with somebody is a part of your life that does not just go away with the snap of a finger. Take the time to let the emotions out and experience the feeling of loss. Holding it in will only make you feel worse.

Nurture your grief as you let it out. Cry, get support from friends and family, journal, and have a few Netflix days. Just make sure you do not hold onto that grief. Do not hold back, and do not hold onto any of it. Sooth yourself, and release it. This grieving time should gently move into a place of nurturing yourself. Start to come to terms with the reality that it is over.

Realize that the decision has been made, and you get to decide how you react. Acceptance will lead you to healthier, more stable reactions. The deeper you go with the acceptance, the more you shed things like depression and anxiety. Now is your time.

Try to Stay Away from Blame and Feeling Rejected

Blame helps nobody, which is especially true if you blame yourself. Blaming your spouse is just as destructive. Ask yourself, “How does this serve you?” Nobody is to blame, but one of you is unhappy in the marriage. Find the acceptance of that without bringing blame into the equation, even if it is a divorce you did not want.

Remember that your spouse made their decision for themselves. It has more to do with them than you. It does not reflect your value. Your self-worth does not have to take a hit if you open yourself up to the possibility that it is all for the best.

For both you and your ex-spouse, focusing on blame leads to feelings of bitterness and unworthiness. Try not to feel like it is a rejection. Hold your head high, and realize you cannot control other people’s decisions. But you do get to control how you react and move on.

Get Counseling and/or Join a Support Group

Counseling is a valuable resource that can help clear the disruptive, destructive thoughts in your head about the divorce you did not want. Hearing the perspective of a trained, objective observer can do wonders. They can point out things that would never occur to you while you were in the thick of it. They can help you change your perspective to a more positive one.

Therapists and counselors can also show you ways to recover your self-worth. They help you get deeper inside yourself and tackle the emotions that did not come out during your grieving process. They will help you reconcile these emotions, so you can find ways to feel better until you get to a good, stable place.

Support groups are also a valuable resource, and they can be a perfect supplement to counseling. Hearing the stories of other people going through a divorce they did not want can make you feel less alone and crazy. You can connect to people who understand what you are going through. The validation you get from this experience is powerful in helping you heal and move on.

See this experience as a new lease on life

One way to shift gears and bring a feeling of joy and excitement to the divorce you did not want is thinking about all the possibilities that lie ahead of you. You are starting over in a lot of ways; your future is now yours.

There will be feelings of uncertainty as you feel the loss of the future plans you had with your ex-spouse. However, if you can turn them into feelings of excitement for what is possible, it can be a way to find yourself and start liking the new you.

Focus on Your Dreams

Tell a better story. What have you always wanted to do that you could not do in your marriage? Is there a training program or career path that did not fit with your former life?

Now you can chase that dream. You are independent now. You get to call the shots in your life without having to clear anything with a partner, who could have been affected by your choices. Obviously, any children involved will have to be considered, but you are still in control of your future. Grab that golden ticket. This divorce could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

Try just one of these suggestions at a time, but do try to incorporate all of them into your post-divorce life. It is imperative that you figure out how to move on—not just for any other family members who might be affected, but for your own happiness and peace of mind.

While you are processing and taking steps to heal from the divorce you did not want, try reaching out to a professional divorce coach. The process of overcoming an unwanted divorce can take an emotional toll, and a divorce coach can help steer you in the right direction, which your emotions might block you from seeing. If you become proactive in your healing process, things might even turn out better than you could have ever dreamed.

Shawn Leamon, MBA, CDFA is the host of the “Divorce and Your Money Show” and Managing Partner of LaGrande Global, with offices in Dallas, New York and Hanover, New Hampshire.

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In situations when the financial implications of divorce are of the utmost importance, many married couples will begin to consider the more cost-effective options. One of them is pro se divorce, and it affords you more breathing room with your finances than many of the other choices. For some couples, a pro se divorce is considered to be the least expensive method, but it can only be effectively implemented under certain circumstances, which involve individuals who are willing to do the work required.

Find out more of what you should know about pro se divorces by reading these frequently asked questions:

In Legal Terms, What Does Pro Se Mean?

The legalese behind terms like pro se can make it difficult to understand exactly what you may be facing. In this case, the Latin definition of this terms easily translates into “for oneself.” A pro se divorce essentially means that you plan to file for divorce without an attorney, or you may plan to represent yourself in lieu of obtaining legal counsel.

This method of divorce tends to work best in uncomplicated situations between spouses, typically those that do not involve children. Dividing finances and assets without the assistance of an attorney can still be a difficult undertaking, so it is recommended to consider this method only when there is very little to divide between the two of you. If you are considering a pro se divorce, good communication is a must, as it is most effective when the divorce will be uncontested. Therefore, both spouses need to be able to agree on a resolution without legal aide.

Do You Need a Lawyer to File for Divorce?

While you may not be required to have an attorney to file for divorce, many individuals opt to put one on retainer. A pro se divorce can be a complicated, time-consuming affair that you should prepare for in advance. The good news is that you are legally able to file your own paperwork to set your divorce in motion, and walk it all the way through to its final stages.

However, in order to have it correctly finalized, opting to take on this monumental task without the assistance of an attorney will require a lot of research on your part. Submitting the proper paperwork at the right time and in the right place is not always intuitive to individuals who do not specialize in practicing family law.

If your divorce ends up heading toward trial, you can continue to opt for a pro se divorce, so you will represent yourself during the hearing. By being a pro se litigant in the proceedings, you can speak for your own best interests without paying an attorney to do it for you. Bear in mind that you have the option to find and enlist the assistance of a divorce lawyer at any point during the process. Seeking representation can be necessary if you become overwhelmed by the research required, or if you uncover more assets or custody issues than originally anticipated.

How Much Does a Divorce Cost without a Lawyer?

An uncontested pro se divorce is clearly one of the least expensive methods of finalizing this process. Other methods may cost thousands of dollars and include litigation and even mediation, but a pro se divorce can often be completed for just a few hundred dollars. When money is one of the primary factors that leaves you feeling trapped in an unhappy marriage, the low cost of a pro se divorce can give you a way to gain your freedom.

Couples need to keep in mind that making a mistake while filing the paperwork for a pro se divorce could be extremely costly. When you find yourself uncertain that you can adequately research the requirements for filing for divorce without an attorney, you may want to reconsider whether this method is for you. Making large mistakes during the filing process can certainly take away from any expected savings you may be hoping for.

Pro Se Divorces Are Perfect in the Right Circumstances

Many couples can greatly benefit from the anticipated savings associated with filing for divorce without an attorney. Pro se divorces lend more financial freedom to married couples, who find themselves in the ideal circumstances to pursue this option. To ensure that you can quickly bring your divorce to completion, there must be time to complete extensive studying on the requirements for your individual state and county.

Spouses who are able to maintain excellent communication skills and have a desire to resolve their marital conflicts quickly tend to be more successful with pro se divorces. They also may want to consider this option when there are no children or extensive financial assets to consider. If you feel like you and your spouse match that description, it may be time to consider the how much money you could save by pursuing a pro se divorce, rather than hiring an attorney.

Shawn Leamon, MBA, CDFA is the host of the “Divorce and Your Money Show” and Managing Partner of LaGrande Global, with offices in Dallas, New York and Hanover, New Hampshire.

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Divorce is more common than people think. In fact, about 40-50% of marriages end in divorce in the United States. Although that statistic may seem damning, it also means that there are millions of divorced people in the world going through the same troubles as you.

One of the easiest ways to mend your broken heart and start preparing yourself for your new future is to heed the advice of people who have dealt with the same difficulties and obstacles that you are about to face. At this point, divorce podcasts can become more than just entertaining pieces to listen to. Rather, they will be guides for putting yourself back together again.

You can easily find divorce podcasts online, especially through app stores such as iTunes. They are typically free to listen to, and can easily be streamed or downloaded on smartphones, laptops, and tablets.

If you are looking for ways to build a strong foundation for your new life, consider the potential benefits of these 4 phenomenal podcasts:

1. Divorce and Your Money Show with Shawn C. H. Leamon (MBA) (yeah ok, I’m biased)

As the author of Divorce and Your Money: The No-Nonsense Guide, a book aimed at helping individuals cope with the financial stress of divorce, Shawn C. H. Leamon (MBA and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst) will guide you through the trials and tribulations associated with planning for divorce and show you how to emerge from it with strong finances.

You would be surprised at the sheer amount of pressure that money can put on you, especially when you are going through settlements with your ex-spouse. In order to make sure that you are prepared for the fight, you will need to get your finances in order. Shawn Leamon helps listeners find out how to protect their IRAs, their pensions, and even their personal checking and savings accounts.

When you are spending the majority of your time focusing on keeping yourself emotionally stable during your divorce, it can be difficult to worry about your finances. Therefore, the Divorce and Your Money Show can be a phenomenal resource. There are over 120 episodes, which guide you through everything from making your life hack-proof to cleverly hiding your cash from your ex-spouse.

The Divorce and Your Money podcast is renowned because it offers real-world advice that is practical and applicable to any situation. It helps pull you out of the burden of drowning in your feelings, and reinforces a focus on your financial future. After you have successfully separated from your spouse, this podcast will become your most important safety net.

2. Divorced, Happy, & Successful with W Marc Watts

For someone who is interested in gaining insightful advice and useful tips from someone who has dealt with the difficulties of divorce himself, Divorced, Happy, & Successful is a valuable resource.

Are you trying to gain insight into how divorce works, how it could affect you and your family, and what you can do to counter the inevitable emotional struggles? If so, there are over 269 episodes for you to take in.

The Divorced, Happy & Successful podcast was developed by W Marc Watts as a result of his divorce at the age of 35. He went through a time when he was confused and unhappy with where he was. When he noticed that it was starting to affect his son’s life, he knew it was time for a change. W Marc Watts transformed his own grieving process into something that can help you understand the aspects of divorce and learn what you can expect to deal with when separating from your spouse.

It is full of real-life advice, which you can take to heart and use as a personal guide for dealing with your own divorce.

3. The Divorce Field Guide with Ani Mason, Esquire

An interesting aspect of The Divorce Field Guide by Ani Mason is that it is developed for people who are on the edge of deciding whether divorce is right for them, are going through a divorce, or are healing after a divorce.

The main objective of the podcast is to create a comprehensive roadmap for navigating the reality of  divorce. Instead of dealing with the entire situation at once, break it down into several smaller pieces that are easier to digest. Ideally, you should then be able to make sense of what is happening, which will make the situation far simpler to manage.

Ani Mason is part of Mason Law & Mediation, LLC. They are professionals who regularly deal with couples going through a divorce. While listening, you will surely be able to appreciate their in-depth knowledge and advice and use it to your advantage.

With each episode of the podcast, you will learn more about the different aspects of divorce, such as 50/50 parenting, traveling with your children, filing taxes as a divorced individual, and hiring a divorce attorney.

4. Over Divorce with Adrian & Tom

Over Divorce is the perfect tool for helping you get professional advice from a variety of divorce specialists, including lawyers, divorce coaches, financial planners, and child psychologists. These experts are interviewed during the podcast, and they have the perfect advice for helping you cope with your divorce and plan for a stronger future.

With each episode, you will be taken through the journey of understanding the emotional and psychological difficulties that people face when they decide that it is time to live a happier life without their spouse. An interesting factor of the Over Divorce podcast is that it covers divorce, separation, and regular breakups.

Instead of focusing on the past, Over Divorce helps you move on with your life and pay attention to the things that are most important, such as learning how to use meditation as a coping tool, overcome loneliness, and thrive as a single person.

It Is Not Over Yet

Dealing with divorce is not something that you have to do on your own, especially when there are plenty of people offering sound, professional advice. With the convenience of podcasts, all you have to do is listen. Afterward, you can decide if their advice is right for you.

Shawn Leamon, MBA, CDFA is the host of the “Divorce and Your Money Show” and Managing Partner of LaGrande Global, with offices in Dallas, New York and Hanover, New Hampshire.

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Divorce is not the taboo subject that it used to be. In fact, more and more married couples are beginning to realize that they operate better individually than they do together. However, coming to this realization does not make it any simpler to end a long-term relationship. Whether you are looking to avoid divorce, building the courage to end your marriage, or are looking for ways to recover after losing your relationship, consider these top eBooks to help you through this difficult time.   

1) The Ex-Wives’ Guide to Divorce: How to Navigate Everything from Heartache and Finances to Child Custody by Holiday Miller and Valerie Shepherd

For women struggling with the end of a marriage, it is always useful to have a guide that can give you the coping mechanisms you need to handle your divorce with dignity and strength. The Ex-Wives’ Guide to Divorce is a tool that will help you deal with everything from your finances to the protection of your children.

Written by two women who dealt with divorce themselves, this book provides a roadmap to help you navigate through your fears, money, and plans for the future. One of the unique features of The Ex-Wives’ Guide to Divorce is that it relates back to the personal experiences of the authors, so women can easily relate to it. 

2) Divorce and Your Money: The No-Nonsense Guide by Shawn C. H. Leamon (MBA) 

It can be easy to get swept away in the emotions and dramatics of dealing with a divorce, but it is important to focus on the practical elements. Then you can ensure that you are preparing for your future single life, especially your finances. This comprehensive book by Shawn C. H. Leamon (MBA) takes a practical approach to dealing with your money during a divorce.

As a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) and financial advisor, Leamon’s book gives you the help you need to manage and protect your money during this difficult time. You will be able to take advantage of professional tips and checklists, which will keep your finances in check.

When you are preparing to go through a divorce, this book truly is one of the greatest tools to have in your arsenal, as it will give you the experience you need to ensure that you get the most out of the settlement. Also, this guide is useful for men and women who are interested in protecting their financial interests. With it, they can focus more on mending themselves after dealing with their heartbreak.

3) The Optimist’s Guide to Divorce: How to Get Through Your Breakup and Create a New Life You Love by Suzanne Riss and Jill Sockwell

For people that are over the hump and on the way to building a new life for themselves, the titular task can be daunting. The Optimist’s Guide to Divorce is a resource you can use to help you understand the difficulties of divorce, especially how to always look on the positive side of even the most difficult obstacles.

This account describes some of the most heart-wrenching real-life experiences of the Maplewood Divorce Club, a community of women that Suzanne Riss and Jill Sockwell belong to. By reading these stories, you will gain numerous tactics for keeping your hopes up and maintaining a sense of humor throughout your divorce.

4) Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship by Terry Gaspard and Tracy Clifford 

Since divorce is such a common part of marriage, there are millions of daughters around the globe who are coping with the heartbreak of their parents’ divorce. It is important to remember that even though your parents are going through a divorce, it does not mean that you have to as well.

Daughters of Divorce is a comprehensive guide written by mother-and-daughter team Terry Gaspard and Tracy Clifford. They developed it to offer uplifting advice, tips, and tricks to help adult daughters avoid their parents’ patterns, which could lead to their own divorces.

Between them, they have over 30 years of clinical practice and have conducted 320 different interviews with daughters of divorce. Therefore, you will be able to use this book to deal with the emotional issues that could lead to difficulties in your marriage.

5) When Happily Ever After Ends: How to Survive Your Divorce Emotionally, Financially and Legally by Karen Covy, J.D. 

Making the decision to go through with divorce is just the beginning of one of the most difficult times in your life, so you will want to make sure that you are prepared. Just because it is going to change everything in your life, you do not have to be destroyed by it. When you have the ability to manage your family and finances and maintain a positive outlook on your future, you can easily navigate your way through the tumultuous seas and come out on the other side as a champion.

When Happily Ever After Ends is a guide that readers can use to learn how to make the right decisions for themselves and their family, master the art of negotiation, and feel comfortable with divorce (rather than fear it).

Books written by qualified experts are essential for making sure you get the most out of your divorce, whether you are concerned about your finances, your children, or your self-worth. With the help of these five guides, you will undoubtedly be equipped to handle absolutely anything that is thrown your way by your ex-spouse.

Shawn Leamon, MBA, CDFA is the host of the “Divorce and Your Money Show” and Managing Partner of LaGrande Global, with offices in Dallas, New York and Hanover, New Hampshire.

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Typically, the end of a marriage is accompanied by so many varying emotions that it can be easy to lose sight of the end result. Outcomes can be unpredictable, especially in cases that involve litigation or a difficult mediation process. If you are still considering whether divorce is the right path to pursue, you may want to know what you stand to gain or to lose from the split. Is the stress of dissolving your marriage worth the final outcome

What are the advantages and disadvantages of finalizing your divorce? You can find out some of the top pros and cons of divorce below:

You have more freedom to do as you please.

After you were married, you had to check in with your spouse about even the smallest of decisions. Post-divorce, you are free to live your life the way you want to live it, whether that means selecting your favorite restaurant for dinner or planning your dream solo vacation. You gain the ability to spend your money however you like, and live wherever you want in whatever conditions you prefer. There is no longer the need to get permission from your spouse when you want to go out with friends or spend a night on the town.

Not only that, there are fewer holidays to remember. Without your spouse, you can forego an extra birthday celebration each year, ditch the anniversary traditions, and eliminate shopping for a Christmas present for your mother-in-law. Your freedom will know no bounds after your divorce is official.

You may find yourself happier than ever.

Living in a stressful environment can take a serious toll on your emotional and psychological health. Particularly in a situation that involves any kind of abuse, the long-term effects of managing that high-stress environment can be extremely detrimental to your health and outlook on life. When the stressors are removed from your environment, you may experience an increased amount of happiness, regardless of any of the negative repercussions of your divorce. Finding relief from tension and excessive arguing can do wonders for your overall wellbeing.

Your kids may benefit from the split.

In the same way that you may be suffering from the tension of your impending split, your kids will soak up that same toxic environment. Many couples try to keep the marriage alive so they will not disrupt the lives of their children. However, this misguided attempt can backfire. Maintaining a failing marriage can lead to an increase in arguments, tension, and stress throughout the household.

Over time, these circumstances can have the same impact on your children that they have on you. With a divorce in the works, your kids can benefit from the lack of stress and tension that is constantly within the home. They have the opportunity to learn how healthy communication works, even between people who are at odds with one another. As a result, they may find that their future communication skills have increased and that they are happier in the here and now.

Finances will be much tighter than they used to be.

No matter what your finances were like prior to divorce, it is pretty much a guarantee that they will be tighter afterward. After all, covering the cost of maintaining two separate households will be significantly more expensive than your shared marital home. You have to consider the cost of paying twice as much for your mortgage or rent and all of your utility bills. Even spousal or child support may not be enough to cover all of the bills.

After a divorce is finalized, many families slip below the poverty line, due to the onslaught of additional bills and expenses. You may be looking forward to your newfound freedom as a single person, but your finances could limit your ability to enjoy the life you have been dreaming of.

You will have more baggage when you start dating again.

A marriage may end for any number of reasons, but the one guarantee is that it undoubtedly leaves you with some emotional baggage. The items that you will carry with you into your newly single life will need to be dealt with, preferably before you start dating new partners. Emotional baggage from a previous marriage can make it more difficult to find someone. Everyone may not possess understanding or patience while you sort through the healing process. Particularly when there are children involved, baggage can make dating more difficult.

Responsibilities will be yours and yours alone.

When you lose your spouse, you also lose your helper. Maintaining your household becomes your sole responsibility, instead of a shared task split between the two of you. Having one less person to assist with regular chores or maintenance on the home, such as mowing the lawn or cleaning the bathroom, can create more work for you. All of the responsibilities within the home are now yours and yours alone.

Because you are now responsible for all everything that accompanies running your own home, you will have less time for rest. Your household work may require more time during the weekends or evenings that it used to. This change can also limit your ability to go out with friends and enjoy single life, just as your finances could.

The Ups and Downs of Divorce

It is easy to identify that there are a number of pros and cons of divorce, no matter what your unique situation may be. You can look forward to more freedom and happiness in a newly single lifestyle, but it will be balanced with more responsibilities and tighter finances. By knowing what you stand to gain or lose by finalizing your divorce in advance, you can begin to appropriately prepare.

Start processing the things that you are looking forward to doing on your own, and make a plan to relieve some of the stress in your life without your spouse. It is never too early to start  considering the pros and cons of an impending divorce.

Shawn Leamon, MBA, CDFA is the host of the “Divorce and Your Money Show” and Managing Partner of LaGrande Global, with offices in Dallas, New York and Hanover, New Hampshire.

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Consider a Quickie Divorce To Save Time

The divorce process can be a lengthy and painful time that drags on for months or years. When you are amid emotional turmoil over the demise of your marriage, the last thing that you want to encounter is a longer waiting period. Fortunately, there are several ways around the time-consuming portion of the process. An alternative to this norm is a “quickie divorce," which allows couples to file quickly and move on with their newly single lives.

Try The Option of an Uncontested Divorce 

The first method that many couples use to reach a quickie divorce is filing for an uncontested divorce. In this type of arrangement, the two spouses have already agreed upon the specific terms of the settlement. No arguments exist regarding property division, child support, custody arrangements, or any other loose ends.

Situations that involve retirement savings, investments, alimonies, and other complicated financial arrangements may not be able to be settled on their own. Rather, they may require the assistance of a certified divorce financial analyst, attorney, or mediation specialist to reach an agreeable settlement that is fair to both parties.

To qualify for an uncontested divorce, you and your spouse will need to open the lines of communication. To be able to speed up the divorce process, it is crucial that you get on the same page in terms of the details surrounding the end of your marriage and all your marital property. If the two of you are capable of being amicable throughout this process, it allows you to officially end the marriage more rapidly than couples who are less effective at communicating.

A No-Fault Divorce Can Speed Up The Divorce Process

Likewise, it also helps to file a no-fault divorce. In this type of arrangement, neither spouse is trying to prove that the other is at fault for the breakdown of the marriage. They simply need to claim that the reason for the end of the union is related to any of the recognized reasons available in their state. Most commonly, this option means filing for divorce because of irreconcilable differences.

Places to Get a Quickie Divorce

Of course, beyond those basic steps to get a quickie divorce, you could also consider moving. Many states offer looser residency requirements and shorter waiting periods, which allow for the entire process to move through the court system faster. If you do not currently reside in one of the states listed below, you may want to relocate if finalizing your divorce is of paramount importance to you and your spouse.

Below is a list of the most popular states that will finalize a quickie divorce, as well as their specific requirements:

• Alaska This state is one of the few that does not have any residency requirements. Spouses must reside in the state at the time they file, and intend to continue living within Alaska. There is a thirty-day waiting period.

• Idaho To reach the residency requirement, spouses must live in Idaho for a minimum of six weeks. After this period, there is a twenty-day processing time to finalize the divorce.

• Montana Montana has a ninety-day residency requirement before individuals can file for divorce.

• Nevada In terms of obtaining a quickie divorce, Nevada is slightly faster than Idaho. The residency requirement is the same (six weeks), but there is no waiting period afterward.

• New Hampshire At one full year, New Hampshire has the longest residency requirement of the states on this list. However, for couples who are already residents of New Hampshire, there is no waiting period. Therefore, you could effectively file and obtain an entire divorce within an incredibly short period of time.

• South Dakota Only a sixty-day waiting period applies in South Dakota, and it has no residency requirements.

• Wyoming Wyoming has a sixty-day residency requirement, followed by a twenty-day waiting period.

Consider Your Financial Future Before Having a Quickie Divorce

To get the process of divorce over with much faster, consider filing for divorce in one of these states. While a quickie divorce is not ideal for every circumstance, some couples could benefit from this type of arrangement. Open communication is a key component to making these quickie divorces work.

Communication is key when filing an uncontested divorce because the settlement must be agreed upon between both spouses. If there are complicated financial implications or unfavorable settlement terms, this type of arrangement is best avoided. Your financial future could be at stake.

If you believe that there are more complicated issues that could impact your finances or that the settlement is unfair, you may want to pursue a divorce that utilizes an attorney or mediation professional.

Keep in mind that while divorce is a painful process emotionally and financially, you do not want to rush into an unfavorable settlement. It has long-term implications for your financial future, which you will not want to jeopardize if you want to end the marriage faster.

Shawn Leamon, MBA, CDFA is the host of the “Divorce and Your Money Show” and Managing Partner of LaGrande Global, with offices in Dallas, New York and Hanover, New Hampshire.

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What is informal separation?

Informal separation occurs when you and your spouse live apart, but do not pursue formal separation or divorce. Informal separation could be thought of as a trial separation. In other words, you and your spouse are testing what it might be like to live apart. Sometimes, informal separation allows space for you to repair your marriage, while at other times, it may lead to a permanent separation or divorce. Many times, informal separation has a set amount of time, such as six months.

Understand Your Local Laws

If your informal separation leads to a divorce, the separation period may have an important impact on it. The separation date can influence the way property is divided, the calculations of spousal and child support, and other issues related to the divorce. However, all states do not recognize separation dates. If there are major changes to your life outside of the separation (e.g., your spouse receives a bonus at work, or you lose your job), it could impact your final divorce settlement.

Sometimes You Just Need Space

Divorce is permanent. It is a big step. If you are not ready to face the dreaded D word (and everything that comes with it), informal separation may be a way to give you and your spouse some breathing room. Then you can figure out the next phase of your relationship.

Separation is not a copout, and it is not “divorce light.” Just because you choose to separate, that does not mean that you are delaying the inevitable. Your separation may provide the time and space you need to start improving a broken relationship. It is not easy, but for some, it better allows the possibility of getting back together. In fact, according to a marriage therapist in the Wall Street Journal, some couples have a 50% chance of getting back together.

There are some substantial considerations. For instance, what you are you going to tell your family and friends? Is dating allowed during the trial separation? Are you allowed to communicate and talk with your spouse outside of therapy or essential conversations? While there are many considerations, it can be very valuable to take the time to reflect on these issues.

Consider an Informal Separation Agreement

When getting informally separated, it may be wise for you and your spouse to sign an informal separation agreement. This document would help outline your specific expectations while living apart (e.g., bills, spousal support, basic custody arrangements, and other key details). You may also want to consult a family law attorney to help draft an informal separation agreement.

The biggest risk is that the informal separation agreement will turn into a formal separation agreement. In other words, the details you negotiate today are used to determine the relevant support if you pursue a formal divorce. For example, if you share custody during an informal separation period, it will be difficult later to convince a judge that you deserve sole custody of the children.

That said, an informal separation agreement can help protect you by ensuring that the relevant expenses are paid, particularly if you do not have substantial income. Then you can continue living your life, at least to some degree.

Keep Important Benefits

There are many legal and practical benefits to remaining legally married, as opposed to being legally separated. Through separation, you can maintain your health insurance benefits, file joint taxes, and keep other marriage-related benefits. Furthermore, if your religion frowns upon divorce, informal separation could become a permanent solution without having an official divorce.

Final Thoughts

Informal separation can serve as an important glimpse into what divorce could be like. It could show you that life on your own is not what you really want, and it may serve to mend the marriage. On the other hand, if things are really broken, an informal separation may show you that it is time for a divorce.

Shawn Leamon, MBA, CDFA is the host of the “Divorce and Your Money Show” and Managing Partner of LaGrande Global, with offices in Dallas, New York and Hanover, New Hampshire.

This article was originally published on Divorce and Your Money here.

Top 8 Songs to Get You Through a Divorce

Nothing compares to the mood-enhancing, cathartic, healing power of music. Music has an energy that our bodies and minds connect to. It is a powerful tool to help you deal with the difficult emotions that an impending divorce can create.

You want to get that anger and sadness out. You want to feel better and more empowered. Therefore, we have curated a list of the absolute best songs about breakups and divorce.

8) "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" by Paul Simon  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ABXtWqmArUU

“You just slip out the back, Jack.

Make a new plan, Stan.

You don't need to be coy, Roy.

Just get yourself free”

Paul Simon wrote this song after his divorce from his first wife. It is about a woman trying to console a man and prod him into leaving an unhappy marriage. The great thing about this song is that it has a slow yet upbeat rhythm, and it relaxes you into feeling like you are free to move on.

“And then she kissed me,

And I realized she probably was right.

There must be fifty ways

To leave your lover.”

It was one of Paul Simon’s biggest solo hits, which makes perfect sense. Many people going through the end of a marriage can relate to the feeling of wanting to be free and move on. The song brings the feeling of hope and the promise of a future without the current emotional upheaval that a divorce causes.

7) “Roses” by Outkast

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWju37TZfo0

“Caroline! See, she's the reason for the word ‘bitch.’”

When a marriage breaks up, sometimes things can get childish, and that is what this song is for. Outkast knows how to throw some up-tempo shade, and they do it well with “Roses.”

“I know you'd like to thank your s*** don't stank,

But lean a little bit closer.

See that roses really smell like boo-boo-ooo.”

This song has so many spiteful yet somehow lighthearted moments that it is a joy to sing over and over again. Divorce can cause an immature, vindictive spirit to rise up, and this song can give you an outlet. But remember, it will not always smell like roses.

6) "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHwVBirqD2s 

“And I'm still standing after all this time,

Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind.”

This upbeat song was written by Bernie Taupin and famously performed by Elton John. Taupin wrote it for an ex-lover, and Elton John performs it with such gusto that one thinks he is actually directing it at somebody from his past.

“And did you think this fool could never win?

Well, look at me, I'm a-coming back again.”

The lyrics paint a picture of someone one who was tossed aside, but began to realize that they could stand better on their own. This song will kick out the depression that divorce can cause, and it will have you feeling empowered in no time.

5) “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPcyTyilmYY 

“And I'm here to remind you

Of the mess you left when you went away.”

Oh, the spite and anger in this song. It is delectable and just what the doctor ordered when going through a messy divorce. The lyrics are raw and edgy, just like the music. And they speak of the pain and rage left behind when somebody leaves you for another.

“It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced.

Are you thinking of me when you *** her?”

There are many rumors about which ex Morissette wrote this song about. However, even though some people from her past may see themselves in her music, she has told reporters that she will never reveal who it really is, so everyone else is being a bit presumptuous. Oh, burn, Alanis. She is very good at that, especially in this song. Perfect.

4) “Somebody That I Used to Know” by Gotye

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY 

“But you treat me like a stranger, and that feels so rough.”

The words in this song make a deep cut. It is a cathartic song—a way to get your feelings out. Sing along with the lyrics, and shout the pain out through the words.

“Told myself that you were right for me,

But felt so lonely in your company.

But that was love, and it's an ache I still remember.”

Gotye was inspired to write the song by mixing together several breakups from his past. Since it not just about one breakup, but several, that makes it general enough to apply any divorce or struggling marriage. It is relatable, and it shares the sadness and emptiness that almost everyone experiences at the end of a relationship.

3) “Forget You” (“F*** You”) by Cee Lo Green

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc0mxOXbWIU

“And although there's pain in my chest,

I still wish you the best

With a... F*** you!”

It feels good to cuss and get the anger out. Cee Lo does it best by saying forget you (f*** you) with a smile. It is highly recommended that you watch the music video to see the pure joy he gets out of saying it. It is contagious and badly needed, spiteful comedy while struggling through a divorce.

“I've got some news for you:

Ooh, I really hate your ass right now.”

Let it out with comedy. Get in tune with the anger and hatred that you cannot help but feel when somebody you thought you would spend forever with someone has turned into a completely different person. Cee Lo Green will steer you in the right direction.

2) "What Goes Around" by Justin Timberlake

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOrnUquxtwA

“You know I gave you the world.

You had me in the palm of your hand.”

Justin Timberlake explained to several interviewers that this song is about a friend’s breakup with an actress. Still, many want to believe that it is a sequel to his 2002 hit, “Cry Me a River,” which was aimed at Britney Spears after she very publically dumped him.

The lyrics tell the story of a man whose ex cheated on him. He was was very much in love with her, but the guy she cheated on him with is now cheating on her.

“I heard you found out

That he's doing to you

What you did to me.

Ain't that the way it goes?”

So many divorces end in this kind of a scenario. The satisfaction of seeing things not work out for somebody who hurt you so deeply is as good as it regarding something like divorce.

This song will fill you with that sweet feeling of schadenfreude that can raise your spirits during the most emotional part of the end of your marriage. It is highly recommended.

1) "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYkACVDFmeg

“Did you think I'd lay down and die?

Oh, no, not I

I will survive.”

Gaynor’s reimagining of a little known Righteous Brothers’ song is on many lists about breakups and divorce, and there is a reason: The message never ceases to be empowering. This disco smash hit is about an ex-lover trying to return to somebody who has moved on. It is satisfying in every way because the lyrics describe a person who survived a terrible breakup but became stronger. Therefore, she now gets to show how much better she is on her own.

“Go on now, go. Walk out the door

Just turn around now 'cause you're not welcome anymore.”

Even just imagining saying these lyrics to the person who is causing you so much pain during a divorce is energizing. This sentiment is something that is very much needed when your life is in upheaval. Gaynor captures the goal that everybody has after they have survived the end of a marriage: standing proud and tall.

Emotions are the hardest part of divorce. Your marriage was something that was supposed to be forever, and most people never see their divorce coming. It can hit you like a brick, and the shock that you feel when you realize that things are coming to an end can disrupt your judgment. Even if you have known that things were not working for a while, it still hits you hard when the final decision is made.

Working through those emotions and getting them out with things like music is therapeutic. It helps you heal and find yourself again, and it clears your head. It takes time, though. While you are working through the tough emotions that divorce brings, think about getting advice from a professional. A certified divorce financial analyst (CDFA) can help you avoid the landmines that decisions made under the influence of shock and turmoil can cause.

Shawn Leamon, MBA, CDFA is the host of the “Divorce and Your Money Show” and Managing Partner of LaGrande Global, with offices in Dallas, New York and Hanover, New Hampshire.

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Subscribe to the Divorce and Your Money Podcast, trusted by over 50,000 people across the United States.

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This article was originally published on Divorce and Your Money here.

Amicable divorces often sound like an elusive fantasy. But when discussing the breakdown of a marriage, most people can agree that an amicable divorce is far more beneficial for everyone involved, including your children. The emotional toll that it can take on you is significantly lessened, as well as the financial commitment that it may cost you. When you can develop a settlement without over-the-top feuding, your divorce will be less time-consuming and, as a result, less expensive.

What do you need to know in order to have an amicable divorce? Here are the four must-know secrets that every couple should keep in mind to keep things civil:

1) Take care of yourself.

There will not be anything left for you to give to your spouse or children if taking care of yourself is not your top priority. You must meet your own emotional needs if your ultimate goal is to respond to those around you with kindness. Much as flight attendants instruct prior to a flight, you must put on your own oxygen mask before you can assist others.

Taking care of yourself will look different for each individual, but it will almost always involve finding an outlet for your feelings. To give yourself a safe space to process through your divorce, schedule an appointment to see a therapist or counselor. Some individuals may prefer to schedule time with empathetic friends for coffee or lunch. They can support you during this time and understand what you may be going through.

If neither of those options is available to you, you may consider using anonymous online support through pages like Reddit Divorce. If those around you are not considered trustworthy, it is a great place to emotionally vent when you need to.

2) Refrain from assigning blame.

It can be a great challenge to respond to your spouse with kindness when you are solely focused on who to blame. When it comes to divorce, you should be focused on the bigger picture, including the long-term implications of your developing settlement. Focusing on blame can create a situation that involves spiting the other person, sparking arguments, and confronting each other during the negotiation process.

In order to keep from assigning blame during every interaction, remind yourself of the bigger picture: your marriage is ending, and you both need to create an equitable settlement that will ensure your future, as well as that of any children involved. Keep your attention on the issues at hand, not on the ones that led up to this moment.

3) Prioritize your children.

Children see and soak up everything around them, including any hostility you are expressing toward your soon-to-be ex-spouse. Remember that your settlement is supposed to be a long-term plan that gives both of you space to create a fulfilling childhood for them. Part of that childhood should include being raised in a healthy environment, not surrounded by the toxicity of your relationship with your spouse.

Remind yourself that speaking negatively about the other parent is not good for them to experience. Keep their needs at the forefront of your mind, rather than your own.

4) Opt for mediation over litigation.

It may go without saying, but mediation can be significantly friendlier than litigation. Opting for a less drastic method of divorce like mediation gives you plenty of opportunities to openly communicate with one another. As you divide your finances and assets, you will have the ability to share your reasoning about specific desires or demands. When done properly, this sharing can help both parties reach reasonable conclusions about what is most important to them.

The conversations that ensue during mediation can begin to set the stage for future encounters and communications. You gain the ability to have perspective and understand both sides of the argument.

Because an amicable mediation is typically less time-consuming than litigation, the financial obligation could be significantly lower. If the cost of divorce is a major concern, this method of divorce should be highly considered. It allows you to have a more amicable divorce and set the stage for future communication with each other, and you can both save substantial amounts on your final bills.

Creating a Healthy Environment during Divorce

No one wants to live in the toxicity of a dramatic relationship, filled with bitter arguments and snide comments. An amicable divorce is the perfect solution for most couples, who want to set the stage for a future relationship with each other—even if it is only for the sake of the children involved. There are many benefits to creating this type of environment.

You can experience greater emotional well-being and fewer financial obligations, and your children will be raised with an example of open communication, even when facing difficult circumstances. Consider what you and your spouse could do to promote a more amicable divorce moving forward.

Shawn Leamon, MBA, CDFA is the host of the “Divorce and Your Money Show” and Managing Partner of LaGrande Global, with offices in Dallas, New York and Hanover, New Hampshire.

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Subscribe to the Divorce and Your Money Podcast, trusted by over 50,000 people across the United States.

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